The Curse of Robert De Niro
CHEESE'S NOTE
: I love Robert De Niro.
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Let me just start off by saying that if you want an answer at the end, prepare to be disappointed because there just isn't one, dawg.
Let me start off by saying (didn't I say that already?) that I am a huge fan of Robert De Niro. I have almost all of his movies, my favorites being Goodfellas, The Untouchables, Mean Streets, Casino, and Dances with Wolves. I am partial to his comedy work, such as Analyze This and Meet the Fuckers. So when I found out Robert De Niro was planning a new comedy movie, I was stoked.
The movie came out direct-to-video (which is almost a sure sign it was going to suck fertilized clown fish eggs) on February 31st, 2014. However, for some reason, I was informed that it was only going to be sold at my Blockbuster in my neighborhood. I thought this was odd, but didn't care - I was still going to see my favorite actor on screen once again!
I got home, after paying about four bucks for the DVD, and threw it in my DVD player in my den. The screen opened up and showed a picture of Robert De Niro making a silly face and the word "PLAY" on the bottom, which my remote was defaulted on. This was strange - no music, no nothing, just De Niro making a moron face and "PLAY". Nonetheless, I began the video.
It began with a black-and-white viewing of Robert in a car. The car drove alone for a few minutes, silent except for the road. After about two minutes, scary hyper-realistic blood began to flow from De Niro's nose, until it hit the floor of the car. He grinned, and a terrifying piece of blood flew out of his nasal coronary (wait, what?) This was the most terrifying thing I had ever seen in my long nine years of life.
I was disgusted and ejected the tape. The tape flew out, and roared at me "NEVER COME BACK!" after it had spontaneously grown a mouth for some reason. It flew out the window into the night, never to be seen again.
I burned my TV and my house down because of how scared I was, and now I'm a hobo on the streets of Los Angeles. I will never sleep again.
Curse you, Robert De Niro! CURSE YOU!